I'm finally getting better after a week of feeling like shit from a cold. It's very refreshing. It's sometimes good to run yourself into the ground, just so you can 'reset'. I had the best sleeps this past week. And never have I felt more cozy. So there are perks to being sick, I suppose.

How I decide to view myself as a person will determine my likes, inclinations, and ultimately the direction of the rest of my life. Right now, I don't really have a solid, set view of myself. I'm just kind of floating about, sampling a little bit here and there but not committing to anything. Which is why I'm a college dropout working in retail. But if I were to play pretend, and imagine I was, say, and artist, then a significant shift would occur. I'd see everything throught the filter of 'artist'; I'd have more specific ways of expressing myself - through art. I'd be taking the many variables of life and focusing them into a standard, prescribed persona. And there are many different personas I could choose. All of them have already been formed in my head based upon what I observed in society. Choosing a persona just makes it easier to live. Because there is a prescribed way to act, to think, to want. The world as it is is too complex and vast to take in all together - that's why we make generalizations, and catergorizations; we compartmentalize, organize, separate and label. It's just easier to work that way. And I think I should start applying myself to the same standard.

Because I really do want a little more out of life than I have now. I told my friend yesterday that I got another job as a junk remover. She just laughed, and told me to go to college. I felt ashamed. I felt embarassed. I'm missing out on the time of my life, and the excuses I had aren't really worth as much as before.

>.....gerrrr, this is so weird! I'm so torn with what to do. With how to feel. Even at this moment. Full potential or give up? See the now or see the future? Let go of the past or hold on? Improve myself or live with my flaws? Pick up new skills or fuck around? College? Michael's? Bum around? Move out, stay here? Who should I talk to? Where should I be expending my energy? Should I be expending energy? Should I accept that I'm going to die, or fight it? Ignore it? Where am I going to be living when I move out? What am I going to be doing? What should I spend my money on? Should I save it? Like what the fuck. I'm so indecisive about everything that I can't move forward. And I have no system with which I could figure it out. Because I have no system to figure out which system I should be using.

It's like when you are playing one of those RPGs and you get to choose which class you want to be, what skills you want to have, so on and so forth. And you only have a limited amount of points to use, so if you use them in one area, you won't be able to get other things in another area. And you want to make sure you are getting the best and baddest skills out there, because you don't want to waste your points, do you? If you focus on attack, then you'll have no defense or magic. If you have defense, no attack or magic. Magic, no attack or defense. And a mix of all three makes you mediocre in everything. How do you choose with something like that?!? Because that's exactly how I see life. As a game with a bunch of attractive but exclusive options. And I simply cannot decide.

And I'm thinking that this is because I have a poor sense of self. That if I knew my self better, that if I had a view of who I was as a person, then I'd know which options fit what I truly wanted. I just lack this view of self, this persona.

I'm normal! Whatever brief insight into a more complex universe I had at 15 now is gone at 20. At least, that's how it has been for the last week. I'm sure I'll be back on here within the month, saying how great I feel, or how bad I feel. It's always a cycle; I never change. I'm fated to a mundane life.

But really, when I used to put myself in other people's shoes, I never really felt as if their life was anything more than I saw; that there mind wasn't anywhere else besides the present. If it's Monday you are wishing for Saturday, if it's Saturday you are dreading Monday. Go to sleep, rinse and repeat. Our lives cycle in very consistent ways. It's like going to sleep and waking up every day. And then years pass and you're just like, 'fuck, what happened? where did all the time go??' Then you are old and unfulfilled, desparing and dying. That's my prediction for my future self.

I feel like these other people now. I had sooo much past... all the events, people, experiences, feelings.. it's like a different, sealed off part of me. It's almost not me. It's like I have amnesia; I'm no one. I don't think past tomorrow. I'm dumb and normal. I've fell into the rut I dreaded most. What sucks even more is that I saw this coming; I saw it happening to me but couldn't stop it. And saw myself fall into not even caring if I stopped it.

Sometime, in the very near future, I'll be faced with big decisions, and my choices will determine the course of my life until the day I die.

I talk about suicide as if I'm going to do it. I'm a little pansy. I'm not going to do that just like I'm not going to change my life in any other way.

With all the ways I could improve myself, I'm just like,  "eh, fuck it". It's just so much easier to accept myself with all my flaws instead of trying to improve myself and build up.

There are four people in this world keeping me from killing myself. My mom, dad, sister, and brother. I'd just never be able to do that to them.

You build up your self-esteem using experiences from life, and examples showing yourself that you really are worth something, that everything is great and amazing. And you love life. But then the next day, situations change, and your being isn't as affirmed as it was the day before, and the meaning of all of those things that happened is less. Then you feel like crap. I don't know. I just feel really bad right now.

I stayed over my friend's apartment, and while I was lying in bed, I imagined if that had been my own apartment, how I would feel. And I didn't feel inspired and free like I thought I would - I felt overwhelmed and tired. I dreaded having to HAVE to get up and cook food for myself and just take care of everything. I wanted to go back home. I'm such a little kid, even at 20. I'm afraid that I'll always be living at home, that I'll always be working at Michael's, that I'll never be in love, that I'll never grow up.